Dr. Tara Palmatier, PsyD - contact: shrink4men@gmail.com
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Nice guys finish last. No good deed goes unpunished. Virtue is its own reward.
That all depends upon how one defines “nice” and one’s motivation for performing good deeds. “Being nice” in response to someone who consistently mistreats, exploits and abuses you is you putting yourself in last place. Doing good deeds hoping a partner or ex will appreciate and reciprocate after years of neither appreciating nor reciprocating can feel like you’re being punished.
If you’re being honest with yourself, you understand that this is a form of self-inflicted punishment. After all, assuming the role of relationship doormat is a voluntary position. You can resign at anytime.
Why do you continue to “be nice” to someone who consistently doesn’t meet your needs and refuses to acknowledge or dismisses your feelings? What do you expect in return for “being nice?” Have you explicitly stated this? In other words, is it an overt contract or a covert contract? A covert contract is an unspoken expectation or rule in a relationship that only you know about and, when the expectation is unmet, results in resentment and anger.
What do you expect in return for doing good deeds? Recognition? Gratitude? Reciprocity? Loyalty? Indebtedness? If virtue is its own reward then the expectation of appreciation, admiration or reciprocity for being virtuous isn’t virtuous. At best, it’s an unconscious manipulation; at worst, it’s a deliberate manipulation.
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